Happy Halloween folks! I hope you all get a good haul this year and are safe at your parties and whatnot. If you're staying in check out AMC, a new zombie television series premiers at ten o'clock tonight. The Walking Dead, I will not be able to watch for I am working, so I`ll have to wait until morning to check it out, nonetheless, check it out.
There wasn`t much to do at Homewood in the downtime but read and smoke cigarettes, so I did the former, however when my eyes were crossed from focusing on hundreds of words for hours on end I fled to the sanctity of the smoker`s pit. The sun beat dazzlingly down on me as I sat next to a woman named Shauna, who`s laugh I can remember to this very day, it was like a titter of a small bird and I tried to draw it out of her as often as possible. It was there while I held and caressed The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, shooting the breeze with Shauna while she smoked that she taught me to love myself. Crows chase one another through the clear skies and I was prattling on about how one cannot truly love someone if they did not love themselves, (advice I picked up from the Buddha book) and she agreed with me. It was then that I declared that I did not love myself, she was the first person I told that I could not bear to look at myself in the mirror for I did not like the man that looked back at me. He was haggard, sunken eyed, mean, and most of all sad, and when I looked into his blue eyes I often wondered where his smile went.
She told me the secret to loving myself was every time I saw my reflection in a mirror, a picture or puddle on the ground, wherever, to tell myself that I love myself. Soon enough that man that you didn`t like to look at would find his smile. She said no matter how foolish you feel, just do it and after awhile you`ll notice a difference. And so I tried it, why not, I was in there to get better and I was willing to do anything, so the next time I had to take a piss, while washing up instead of avoiding my own gaze I looked into my eyes and said "I love you jay." I cannot begin to describe how silly I felt, I was embarrassed and felt like a true knob, however I pushed on with this test and in a few days time I felt an ember of love light in my heart for myself. I walked around the hospital with a smile on my face, people smiled at me, most of all women, I wasn't afraid of what people thought anymore because I was happy with who I was for the first time in a million years! To Shauna, I say thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson, I'm glad I met you and you will always have a spot in my heart.
Be kind to yourselves, love yourselves, you're worth it.
J-
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