I'm Socially Retarded

What's up ladies and gentlemen? I pulled up my blog today and I realized that I haven't posted in an extremely long time. And I pondered on what topic should I write about, and then it came to me, the Arise and-motherfuckin-Ruin show, that's what.

I woke up this morning, rolled over onto my left side and my elbow gave a muffled cry of pain, I rubbed at the spot, it's tender, swollen and bruised. Most likely from the mosh pit last night. Yesterday after a full day of working on a story that has been on the edge of my vision lately, I decided to take off to a metal show. My friend's Nick, Mike and Paul of Time The Destroyer were playing a show with Arise and Ruin so I decided to go down a hours early hang around the club with them.

When I got off the bus the first thing I realized was that I love the fucking summer, I love the beautiful heat, I love the refreshing gusts of wind that leave you feeling invigorated, and I love all of the beautiful women. I headed off towards The Shadow and saw nick standing in front of the alley. Got there and said our hello's and then talked for a bit.

When time came to load the band in this drunk dude with a beard and long hair came stumbling over to the truck and trailer. He leaned on the box and asked if we had corral gates in the truck, I pointed out that the size of the truck wouldn't hold corral gates and the stumbled off without a reply.

I ended up needing to walk down to the bank to get some cash for the night. After tucking my money safely away into my wallet I walked out of the piss-smelling bank and saw this woman I used to go to high school with. She looked at me as if she knew me and I said.
"Hey, how are ya doing?"
"Pretty good." she said and walked by.
And I replied with "Pretty good."

It was at that moment that I realized that I am a social retard. I'm awkward around people and now that I realize that, I just have to accept the fact that some crazy shit will end up coming out of my mouth sooner or later and that I should just to go with the flow. I found Mike and shortly after we went for a walk and shared some memories, picked up a coffee from Planet Bean and then met up with some friends, I decided to go for a beer with some more friends and when I made it back to the club people were just hanging out on the streets, some were tuning instruments. The sound of screaming guitars floated up the stairs of the club and so I headed down.

I hung around talking with some friends and Mike asked me if I was going to take pictures, so I said sure and as they were setting up for their set, I was looking for spots for some good shots, there was only a couple of spots that I could snap some photos from. And as Time The Destroyer started to scream, shout and dance around I tired to use my limited eye to take at least a couple of good pictures of the guys. At the end of their set, I was sweating through my Afro Samurai t-shirt. Hugging the guys and feeling good because I managed to take some half decent pictures.

I emerged from behind the speakers, wire and mic-stands, a friend that I hadn't seen in quite some time stood there smiling so big that you just couldn't help but feel good. She had told me earlier that she had brought her new puppy along and that after the set I should check him out. I climbed the steps of The Shadow and the blessed cool night air cooled me down greatly. My friend came from around the corner with her dog, an Australian Sheppard a real cool dog, we all hung out talking excitedly to each other.

Okay, I have to admit this first and off, I've never been to an Arise and Ruin show before, and I've heard some of their music, during a car ride once or twice. But as The Shadow went black, blue lights lit the stage and the band was draped in shadows, they began to play an instrumental song I now know to be called The Aftermath, I fell into a trance, swaying with people around me. And then the music exploded. Bodies flew at one another, pushing, smacking and grunting around in time to the music. I threw my body heedlessly into the fray, knocking people around and helping them up when falling down. At the end of the first song, my gut was on fire and I couldn't breath, I walked out of the mosh pit rubbing my belly and dying of thirst.

I grabbed a glass of water and listened to Ryan Bauchman snarl into the microphone. A friend of mine came running out of the mosh pit, he climbed onto my shoulders and we went running back into the breach, slamming into everyone, we sprawled to the ground and everyone helped us up we went back to moshing out hearts out. At the end of the show, I came out smiling at Nick, shirt a wet rag, my elbow singing a son of pain and a smile on my face, I opted to walk home instead of going to the after party, an as I was walking home I saw a rabbit get his ticket punched by a silver Honda Civic and made the mistake of looking over and seeing the leg twitching. It wasn't the ending of the night I quite hoped for, but it was an ending.

Find out more about Time The Destroyer and Arise and Ruin on their myspace pages.


A few photos I took last night.

Friday the 13th DVD release tomorrow

Well ladies and gentlemen, do you know what today is? Monday yeah but I was really talking about it being the eve of a new Friday the 13th DVD release. Maybe I should explain how deep my love for this slasher movie icon goes, I've been watching the Friday the 13th movies ever since I was a little kid and one of them sent me screaming terrified from my big brother's birthday party. Ever since that moment, I've felt drawn to the mask, it's dark, foreboding and all around bad ass. I've sat up all night with my friend Mark on many occasions watching as Jason Voorhees goes about slashing people to ribbons with his machete. My love has grown so deep for this movie franchise that I have gotten a Jason tattoo that covers half of my shin.

The remake was written by Damion Shannon and Mark Swift and was directed by Marcus Nispel. They must be as big of fans of the franchise as I am because they knocked this movie out of the ball park. It was decently cast, with Jared Padalecki (Supernatural) as Clay Miller and Danielle Panabaker (Mr.Brooks)as Jenna, and Derek Mears (The Hills Have Eyes II) as the man Jason Voorhees.

Some people have been saying that the remake of Friday the 13th and how it really didn't differ from the older films at all. And as an avid fan I'm going to tell you that is bullshit, at first I thought I was being biased and loving the film due to the fact that I grew up watching the franchise. Now, after watching this movie two times in a row, I know that I'm not being biased. Was it the best horror flick ever? Probably not, bit I loved it from beginning to end.

They changed the main reason we all watch these movies, the anti-hero, they changed Jason and made him more terrifying, something that I did not think ever would be possible. They made Voorhees smart, he uses his victims as bait to set up other potential victims, he ties a woman up in a sleeping bag, hangs her over a fucking fire and lets her burn, when her boyfriend sees it he freaks out and runs to her rescue, not seeing a bear trap that Voorhees placed in his path, giant metal teeth slam into his ankle and rip it to shreds. I remember sitting and discussing with my buddy Mark if Jason was supernatural or human, and we decided that he was supernatural because, in the originals he would always walk after his prey and end up in front his victims with some nasty death planned. However in the remake they made him human, he was nimble and fast, there was no walking after victims, he chased them down and killed them. They also addressed the question, "How the fuck can he catch up to his victims so fast?" Well, they gave him underground tunnels so he could access all of Crystal Lake, so yeah I think the remake was fantastic and that it was very different than the originals.

Another thing I loved is how Shannon and Swift actually wrote a scene about Jason finding his hockey mask, for the first few minutes of the film he wore some sort of wrap around his head with an eye hole in it an homage to part two where he wears a potato sack around his head, hiding his disfigured face. I love this because in part three they never really show you how he gets his mask. And you're left wondering, "How did he get that mask?"

Now, tomorrow the Killer Cut comes out on DVD, you would expect special features coming out the asshole on this, however there is only a fifteen minute making of feature and three additional scenes. C'mon you lazy bastards I want to see more of of the special effects, how did you do the scene when the dude gets hammered with an axe through the back, how did you did you film the scene where Jason thrusts his machete through the prick of the movie and lifts him off the ground ripping and tearing, and then throwing him onto the spike of the big tow truck? I want to see all of that shit, why? Maybe because I'm a little bit morbid, or maybe because I've been on a set with wicked special effects once and I'm interested in all of that. I kind of feel ripped off you know? However the Blu-Ray edition is loaded with special features.




So, tomorrow, I suggest you go to your local video store and pick up a copy of the movie. Come home, turn off all the lights, load your bong, or roll a fatty. Pop some corn, crack a beer or Pepsi, do whatever it is you do to enjoy a movie and prepare for some slasher goodness. And remember if you come across a abandoned house in the woods, with a bed that has the name Jason engraved on it, you should probably get the fuck out of Dodge.

Jay.

Zombies? I fuckin' love em!

I heard the soft shuffle of footsteps around the corner, it froze me in my tracks, I've heard that sound before, and as a grimy blood spattered hand groped the wall for something to keep it upright, I took a step backwards. And as a body, skeleton thin, covered in bloody rags turned the corner, my fears were confirmed. I looked into the milky white eyes of the corpse and it cried its low moaning hiss. I took another step back and backed into something, I turned around and a gaping maw lunged at me.

That's when my eyes opened and I was looking at my bedroom ceiling, sleepily I rolled over and I saw the Star Wars and Joker poster on my wall and the fear started to subside. I realized I was dreaming, I rolled out of bed, tripped over my cat and stumbled to the bathroom. And as I was shitting I realized what my next blog should be, this blog is going to be focused on something near and dear to my heart, this blog is going to be about zombies.



I remember watching my very first zombie flick, it was Dawn of the Dead, the Romero version, my buddy Jon and I took the day off school, fine, okay we fucking skipped and went to the video store. He asked me if I had ever seen Dawn of the Dead and I said no, so he said that we have to rent that movie. We did, and went back to my place where my dad was home, we told him some lie about school getting out early. I don't think he believe because the only thing he said was "Don't tell your mother." We watched the movie with him, zombies were feasting on the insides and flesh of living human beings. I was grossed out and intrigued at the same time. That night I dreamed the same dream I've been dreaming for years, Jon and I hanging outside a 7-11, zombies have risen and we kill them all.


I wonder if George Romero told the future with Night of the Living Dead, creating a world corrupted by zombies. Maybe one day your Gods will say fuck it, they will say we gave them a perfectly good world and they fucked it up Let's teach them a lesson.They will create a zombie apocalypse and we will all be fucked.

Zombie movies and will be our training guide, even tho most of you out there should have a copy of Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide. Some of you aren't readers and that's cool, some of you think that we are nerds for reading as much as we do, well when the day comes, and the dead walk the earth, you all will be running to us nerds, seeking sanctuary, and what will we do? Leave you to death and a future of roaming around for eternity? No because we aren't pricks, we'll take you in and take care of you.

The idea that the dead will rise excited the hell out of me, I mean who wouldn't want to get a chance to crack some zombie skull? And for those of you who say that I'm a sicko, "fuck you!" I say it with a smile because you know you all have daydreamed of doing something particularly nasty to a particularly nasty person, well if they were zombies you could do it and call it self defense.


I can see zombies rising after a nuke is launched, where the missile crashes and obliterates everything it touches, the fall out will deform the dead and make them rise, and with each bite the fallout will spread world wide, and there will only be a few left, fighting for their lives, living on different roof tops every couple of months because some jerkoff takes it in his head to be a hero. The zombies will over run us and we will have to flee again, losing a bunch of people in the process. But don't you worry about us nerds, we'll find a way to make it through, and all the chicks will love us. That would be sweet.

Jay.

Writer's Block

I woke up this morning to the bouncing springs of the trampoline yet again, it was eight o'clock in the fucking morning. Kids don't need to be bouncing around on that thing before breakfast do they? Anyway, I rolled out of bed, let the dog out of her crate, put her harness, shuttered at her matching red toe nails that my mom decided to paint the other day and headed out for the morning walk. She took care of her business while I looked on with eyes full of sleep crusties. We headed back home and I filled her bowl up with dog food and sat down in front of the computer, to check e-mails before I actually started my day.

I had planned on writing a lot today, working on this story that has been intriguing me as of late. So when I sat in front of that blank white screen after my shower, the cursor seemed to mock me, You ain't got shit to write, why don't you just give up now, I had no clue what the fuck I was going to write about. I mean I had a general idea but I guess I didn't really think it out that much. Also it is a different type of story, I usually deal with horror or fantasy, this story that has my attention is going in a totally different direction and maybe I'm a little scared to head off that way. So I sat there, and I sat there and I sat there, trying to force something, but to no avail.

There is nothing as frustrating as sitting in front of a blank screen with nothing to say, the skies outside my bedroom window turned dark as did my temper, as I realized that I probably won't get anything done today. So I stalked around the house with my dog at my heels, making tea and a late breakfast. I decided that I will just read for the majority of the day, and who knows maybe something will come out of reading. It usually does inspire.

I've found that you should never really try and write anything unless you have a plan of attack. So sitting in front of your computer willing some sort of magic to come forth usually does not work. So I'll drink my tea, open my mind and fall into a different world where wars of iron are raging and boys are playing kings.

Jay.

SURVIVE

SURVIVE

I tremble as I sit
listening to tortured wailing,
thankful to have found sanctuary
on a rooftop, gazing at the
stars above.

I pray to One as I gaze, that
tomorrow we will be just as lucky,
and find another rooftop to rest our
weary bodies down.

A shuffling wave below,
gnarled crooked hands
reach and claw, desperately seeking
a way to fill their eternally
rumbling stomachs.

I thought I believed in One,
believed One put us here on
earth, for some reason,
some purpose.

However, when I regard
this sea of macabre,
this sea of the dead.

I see that we are alone, and
realize what my purpose is, now
after One forsook us all
and abandoned us to this horror.

My purpose is simple really,
my purpose is to survive.

In The Headlights Of An '87 Buick Excerpt

It was twilight; the sun was a bold orb and washed the neighbourhood in a bright orange. Red, blue and purple clouds blanketed the sky and the shadows of trees wrapped around buildings like fingers, trying to grasp and hold the city in darkness. This would be the perfect time to take her out into the country, he thought. The mid July day had been so hot that it melted candles in the apartment, and it wasn’t going to get any cooler in the evening. Guy Lapointe’s t-shirt clung to the heavy layer of sweat on his back. He looked out of his living room window anxiously, checking his cell phone every five minutes, just in case he didn’t hear it chime and missed a text message from her.

The sweltering living room consisted of a chair that sat by the window with cigarette burns and beer stains on it. There was a couch in the middle of the room, with a fat guy on it; three fans ran at the same time, trying to cool the temperature down to a bearable level. His roommate John sat on the couch, wearing nothing but shorts; he said that it was too hot for a shirt today. John was big, he had a belly of rock and arms of stone, and his chest was covered in hair, as well as shoulders and tufts that grew out of his ears. Guy often told John that he thought the reason he was so hairy was because he was the shunned offspring of some wookie tribe.

John had a white head set glued to his ear and a videogame controller in his hands. On the television screen in front of him he was playing a shooter game and killing anyone that stepped into his scope. Guy saw someone running across the screen and watched as John led the guy with his crosshairs, there was a bang and the guy fell to the ground in a spray of blood.

“Holy shit dude,” He cried.

“Pshhh, that ain’t nothin’,” John said laughing.

It was true; Guy had seen John make some really good shots while sitting in his chair watching as his hairy friend drank Dr. Pepper and ate Cheetos as hey played videogames. John was paid to play videogames; he was part of this team that went out to tournaments where he would stand on a platform covered in neon lights while slaughtering kids from different teams on fifty foot screens.

Guy checked his phone again and John looked over and snorted at him.
“Dude, relax. She said she’d text you before coming over, so she’ll fuckin’ text you.” John said.

“Yeah I know, but she hasn’t texted me all day, I sent her a message this morning and nothing. She always takes forever to respond,” Guy whined.

“Dude,” John said looking at the television set and picking off another unfortunate soul online. “Like I said, relax. You’re acting like a lost little puppy right now.” He got up on his knees and brought his hands to his chest bending them at the wrists, and panted like a dog. “Hey, when are you coming back huh? Huh? Can I come with you? HUH? HUH? Girls don’t want that shit man.”

Guy laughed. How would you know what girls want, all you do is play videogames all day long and smoke weed and drink every night, he thought but would never say.

“Okay, I get it…but I think I’m starting to like her though,” Guy said not able to look his friend in the eye.

“You’ve only been out on one date, and that was to a movie, and she had to go home right after. Dude, I’m going to say it again, relax.” John said. “FUCK ME!” he screamed ass a little kid with shaggy hair somewhere in Edmonton Alberta, picked him off.

*

Often he found his thoughts on the night they first met, He was out with John and a couple of friends at a bar doing a pub quiz, if you answer all the questions right you won a pitcher of beer. As they walked into their drinking hole, a drunken girl staggered by with a pitcher and four pint glasses, she sat at a table with four other girls shrieking laughter. John looked over and tipped a chubby blonde girl a wink.

The bar was a maze of people, and Guy found himself doing crazy dance moves just to get by them all, he came upon a tall guy with tattoos all over his neck and arms, he tried the right and there was a girl with dread locks dancing to Boston’s, More than a feeling as it rolled out of the speakers. He tried the left and a bouncer was standing in front of a drunken dude who large wet stain down the front of his pants. John put a hand on Guy’s shoulder and stood behind the big guy with the tattoos.

He tapped him on the shoulder, “Hey man,” he said patting the big guy on the back, “Mind if we get through?”

The big guy broke into a big smile as soon as he saw that it was John and moved aside and let them through.

They walked out onto the patio; people were crammed into the tables that were sporadically placed around the large patio. However there was one seat left, it was right next to the back door of the patio, the door the bouncers threw people out of every once and awhile. They grabbed a piece of paper and sat down.

Usually they only won a single pitcher of beer a night, but that night was going well, they were three pitchers ahead by the time they decided to leave. John went back to the chubby blonde girl’s house and Guy headed off home.

He was walking down the street, his head swimming and his body vibrating I’m drunk. He thought. No, I’m hammered. “No I jumped into a catapult and hurled myself way past hammered. I’m fucked up,” he said aloud as two girls walked by him giggling. He took his hat off as they passed him and he shouted. “Merry Christmas,”

He didn’t remember the walk being this long, he bobbed and weaved down the sidewalk, stopped and wobbled at the curb, and he made sure there were no cars coming and ran across in a jagged dash. There was a trail that Guy and John used to take home. When he came to the entrance, he stopped scared, he wasn’t scared of monsters or crazy people that might live in there during the night, what he was afraid of was the black that started as the orange of the street light ended. He looked down the path and at the end of the ink black trail he could see a faint orange glow of the street light that waited on the other side of the path, something inside him screamed this is fucking scary dude. He laughed at himself for being childish and he entered the trail and the darkness consumed him.

As he went deeper into the trail the light on the other end grew brighter and brighter, he raised his hand to his face and wiggled his fingers, he felt the tiny tufts of wind against his face but could see nothing. His heart started to quicken, he heard wind blowing and a twig snapping and jumped. Buddy, it was probably just a squirrel or something. To which another replied. Squirrels come out in the day jerk off, not at night!

“Oh man,” he cried and started to pick up his pace, at the halfway point, the trees grew thinner and the moonlight shone brightening the path a little bit. Something in his stomach lurched and his mouth began to fill with iron tasting water and he spat it out as he walked. He placed his hands on his head and tried to will the vomit that threatened to spew forth down. He thought he had it licked, and then he gagged and up came the Kraft Dinner he had for supper, the moonlight bounced off half digested wieners. He puked again, and just when he thought it was over he was sick once more. He stood up and wiped his mouth with forearm and in the middle of the path stood a girl; she stopped in a patch of moonlight with a frown on her face.
“I puked,” he said.

“I saw,” she said, the moon illuminated her golden curls he lips were full and her eyes shined and twinkled silver in the moonlight. He had never seen silver eyes before must be contacts he thought. He felt his knees unhinge and before he knew it he was looking up at her.

“Oh dear, you’re a mess, how far are you from home?” she asked.

“Five mishushts,” he slurred.

She bent over, grabbed him under the arm pit and hoisted him onto his feet; she was surprisingly strong for such a small girl.

“I won the three pitchers of beer tonight,” he said proudly.

“Yeah and you just puked two of em’ up in that ditch over there.”

“My name is Guy,” he said leaning on her shoulder.

“Gertrude,” she said.

“That’s different idn’t it?” he asked

She laughed. “You’re wasted, Guy.”

The rest was a blur, he remembered her standing with him at the front of the apartment, and he remembered hearing the fluttering of a moth’s wings against the street lamp above. And he remembered John’s voice in his head screaming at him to ask for her number, but she he did all that came out was mumbling, “canihasf…number?”

She smiled and reached into her purse and produced a pad of paper and a pen, wrote down her digits, gave them to Guy and told him to call her any time.

Guy examined the number for a couple of seconds, “Well good night,” he said and turned around, opened up the apartment door and slipped inside. He was so drunk that he didn’t even notice the blood on her shirt.