My Journey Pt. 4: Family Visit and Spirituality

Well Happy Thanks Giving ladies and gentlemen, had a pretty awesome long weekend so far, went to a friend's birthday party got pretty drunk, and came home with wet floor sign and a random Halloween decoration. As I write this the sun has started its decent into the night and ignited the already fiery trees. I want to say thanks to all of you who have emailed me or commented with well wishes, your encouragement and kind words give me the strength I need in these hard times.

Anyway, back to it.

I was granted privileges I was allowed outside for an hour at a time, however every hour on the hour I would have to check in and sign back out just so the nurses knew I hadn't split on them. I began to read, I picked up the Complete Idiots Guide to Understanding Buddhism. It was an interesting concept; it showed me the art of breathing, meditation taking control of situations. The best thing I took away from the book was that nothing is permanent, to the leaves on the trees, to the new born baby, all shall wither away. So I looked at the depression I was fighting and the anger that consumed me in that manner as well, in hopes that those too, would one day go away. From the day I finished that book I started another called Night Watch by Terry Brooks, instantly my love of reading came back to me, I was lost in stories, I devoured novel after novel, it was rare that you'd see me on the grounds with no book in hand.

I started going to groups, although surrounded by a room of people that I had started to build a connection with, I still felt utterly alone. I didn't want to go to groups, because I didn't think I was good enough to participate nor had anything of worth to say. My first group was spirituality, it wasn't about telling me which religion to believe in, it wasn't about brainwashing me into believing in an all powerful God, it was about letting me find out what spirituality meant to me. I walked into the chapel, a tall black man sat on the middle of a table next to a burning candle, and he was bald and had a serene smile on his face as he welcomed people in. Other than a soft "hello" he waited quietly as people filed in and the room filled up. Tranquil music filled the room along with the quiet murmur of people talking amongst themselves. When there were no more seats left, he turned down the music so that it was barely above a whisper and began to talk.

"How many of you," he stood and held up a cell phone. "Have sat at home doing nothing, the phone rings and your friends call you, you answer it and they ask you to do something. And though you aren't busy you tell them you are because you'd rather be alone?"

I looked around the chapel, afraid to raise my hand for fear of being thought odd, however when the entire room put their hands in the air a piece of my heart cried with joy. For the longest time I thought myself alone in my illness, it was right then and there that I came to the realization that there were other people going through what I was going through. I began to share and every time I wanted to share something in the group, I took a deep breath to quiet my pounding heart and spoke, my face flushed and my ears turned hot. Then the oddest thing happened after I spoke; no one laughed at me, no one said that I was a "loser", "dumb", or an "idiot". Relief went through me in waves as I found what I had been searching for, a little piece of my confidence and acceptance.

My brother and Cherice showed up with Lydia along with my mom a few days after that revelation. They came through the front door with smiles that lifted my heart, Lydia climbed out of her stroller and I picked her up, she clung to me with the massive hug only toddlers can give and we walked into the ward. I passed the nurse's station and stopped in the middle of the door way and said "I found a baby," one of the nurses jumped up with concern on her face, she was ready to take Lydia from my hands as if I shouldn't be holding a small child. I laughed and announced that she was my niece; the nurse looked at my brother and began to laugh along with the rest of the staff. Their visit left me cheered, it was the first interaction I had with my big brother where I didn't snap at him, where I didn't blow up and say hateful things, and it left me feeling hopeful that maybe getting better was something that wasn't so far out of my reach. That maybe we two could carry on like we once were, brothers.

It wasn't long after that I met someone who stole my heart, who made my breath catch in my throat with her every smile, it wasn't long after that, that I met Ashton.

To those of you that do, thanks for reading, I finished this at one-thirty-three in the morning full of turkey and pumpkin pie, I took a few breaks in between I guess. I hope you all love yourselves because no matter what, it's what you deserve. Much love to you all.

J-